Day 163

Today's movie de jour is up   Day 17 on there

Well, last night got sort of interesting in the fact I heard from a guy I used to be involved with.  But that's another issue for another blog.

Sun is not even out here yet and it's almost 10am.  I'm guessing we wont' see the sun much today if at all.

Day 161

Do you watch Yahoo's cooking show  Chow Ciao ?  With Fabio, one of the Top Chef -chefs?   I love that show!!!  Dude, I think he's fabulous!
I love funny guys.   I think I love goofy funny screwball nerdy guys, because that's the kind of girl I am. 

I definitely need the type of guy who can embrace his inner overgrown six year old.   The kind of guy who collects something, who still reads comics, who still like the late night cult classic type of crappy movies on tv like Plan 9 From Outer Space  or can watch a seven hour Star Trek marathon you know. A guy who's not going to look at me weird if I plan my week around the release of a new vampire movie or suggest spending a romantic weekend at a horror film/comic convention.

I will find my Nerdy-Prince Charming, I will.

Day 138-Day 8

The Jane Austen of it...

Book club was today, and we discussed  Persuasion  
Surprisingly, a lot of time was spent on the characters of Mary and Elizabeth,  the two sisters, and not much on Anne, the lead.

When we did talk about the lead,  it was pointed out more then once about how she is underminded by her family made to feel unwanted in a bunch of ways, but she's in fact the lady who gets the most attention from the men.  Each man who comes into her life finds her the most appealing woman they've met to that point, both in physical and mental bodies.

The letter in the end by Captain Wentworth was a great deal of a topic.  The idea and frustration of loving someone for years and not being with them because of someone else getting in the way and that notion of undying love... sigh with me now....*sigh*

All and all, I walked away from today with a sense of strength of self. 

Book club went well enough that we decided on Sense and Sensibility as our next book.   Now, I just need to locate what I did with my copy....

Day 131-Day 6

Persuasion seems to be the note of the week.   I was watching the movie The Lake House, and not only do they reference the book throughout the film, it has many elements from the Jane Austen story.

Plot: Alex is living in 2004, Kate is living in 2006, both decided to rent this lake house at different times. Kate leaves a note for the next tenant about a few of the quirks of the house after she moves out in 2006, but Alex is the one who gets her letter, in 2004 when he moves in.  The two have no idea how their letters to each other are managing to reach each other.  They even somehow end up meeting in Alex's timeline but Kate doesn't remember him until years later when he tells her in his letters.

It's a confusing story but very romantic. 
For me, the whole Jane Austen's Persuasion being one of their key links was the IT Factor.  Persuasion has been popping up around me constantly in the last few days.  I'm taking it to be a sign, just not too sure what that sign is?

Day 127

Normally this would be a wishcasting Wednesday post.  But something happened on the way to Jamie's weekly post.  I got sidetracked by one of her older posts on the blog.  You know, when you are reading a post and the bottom has a list of "if you like this you might like that"  linkwithin posts.   Yeah, I spotted the one post she has The Clock that Taught Me Self Trust
And I started thinking.   Thinking about the million things I keep promising myself, the things I keep promising my blog readers that I just fail to follow through with.

That has to stop.   I have to keep these little promises I've been making.

So maybe, this is a Wishcasting Wednesday post after all.  Her question this week is "What do you wish to nourish?"   I think my answer is I wish to nourish my trust.  Trust in me, trust in the blogging world, trust in community.   I've been let down so often that have come to a point where I expect to be let down.  I expect things to bottom out.   No more of that.  

This blog you are reading right now, was meant to be a daily project for one full year.  I've already slacked off on that promise due to things, and I have to step up to the plate and do what I said I was going to do.

There is so much I want to talk about but have been afraid to do so.  Part of why I have so many blogs.  I hate the idea of offending one group when talking about stuff for another group.  I have to start trusting myself, my intuition, and the people who do stumbling into my life. 

To all the readers today as you intend for yourself, I too am aligned with you.

Day 114

I can honestly say, Candace Bushnell and Jane Austen, are the only two authors who's works I have all of.

I went out on Friday night and got myself the next book in the SATC series - Summer in the City-  And it was ten times better then The Carrie Diaries.  And I loved the Carrie Diaries even though it had made me doubt myself on a ton of levels.  This one, does the opposite.  It reinforces certain aspects of being a writer.

The two volumes combine, put me in mind of Jane Austen's Northanger Abby and Mansfield Park.  It's about trust.  Trusting yourself and trusting those closest to you.  You're most intimate connections. (sexually and otherwise)

And of course, the clothes.   If you have never read Jane Austen, trust me, for something that is over 200 years old, the issues of finding love, sex, and fashion was as important then as now.

Day 90

I just got back from both being out at mom's and having gone for coffee with my buddy M.
I just had a post up on my main blog about the coffee but, will talk about  it here because I've talked about ECG on here too.

Situation: myself and my buddy sitting in a very crowded Starbucks about two hours ago. Starbucks is in the back of the grocery.  The Express Checkout Guy was working about ten feet from where we were sitting.   He smiled that shy blushy smile of his as he was collecting up a stray grocery cart. That was until he spotted my buddy M.  His smile then faded away.  He then picked up a stray basket to put away, the whole time staring at us.  Then continued to pick up a stack of about ten baskets with his back to us and walked the long way around the check outs to put them away.

Result:  me being very confused as to if this means anything.  ECG is cute. I've stated before that I have been told he's got a small crush on me, but I've yet to see him do anything about it. ECG always has a line up of women in his checkout trying to get his attention.  

Question:  should I be trying to get his attention?

Day 69

I'm trying to sort out how I feel today.

I'll explain with as little drama as possible.   I had a coffee with one of members of book club today.  And all I could think about was the large diamond on her hand.  Cause I was thinking only "when's it my turn?" 
So, when I was coming home, I kept bumping into these packs of guys.  It's the nice weather, brings them out in packs, like wolves.  A few were hot looking.  None I would want anything to do with, but hot enough that I noticed. 
I also noticed that a few odd ones here and there noticed me in passing. 

Stopped in at the grocery before coming home at the end of the day, and 3 of the hot guys who work there that I have had crushes on were on shift at the same time today. 
One of which, I've talked about few times,  Express Checkout Guy.   Anyways, he was working the tile next to where I was in line.   Just cause he works the express line, does not mean his line moves fast as it's always backed up with chicks of all ages trying to score him. 
So I was in the next line over, talking to the lady working.  The whole time, I had the intense urge to look over at Express Checkout Guy.  And when I did, he was standing a few feet away talking to an older lady.  I kept feeling as if he was wanting my attention.  But when I moved a few feet in his direction, he got called over to the self serve check out. 

I left.  Walking home I started to play the events of the day over in my head.  Trying to sort out everything.  One thing I could not get past is the fact that ECG over the last few months always seems more animated when he sees me then when he talks with other people in the store. 
I've had one of his coworkers tell me I need to pay more attention to him, as he has a crush on me.  If that's true, then why hasn't he done anything about it? 

More importantly,  why have I not sensed it?   If he's attracted to me in any form, shouldn't I know?  Not guessing and wondering but actually feel something ?  A few butterflies or something? 
The guy is totally cute to the point he literally has a non-stop line up of women fifty deep every few hours trying to get his attention.  

Then I started to think back to the last time I had a real honest sexual attraction to a guy, where there was no doubt in my mind.   It's been years.  Most guys might get my attention for a brief few seconds as I'm walking past them, some might even get me to look forward to bumping into them if I know they work somewhere I frequent. 
But none have had my heart beating triple time, or my skin hot at the thought of them or my pulse race in years. 


Obviously I'm missing some information here.  If ECG's coworker was right about him liking me, shouldn't I have more of a reaction from him?

Day 48

Snow. Snow and more snow.

Reading the next book for review.  This one is about a witch.

Made pasta for supper.  Yay.

I don't mind living alone to be honest, but I hate supper time because of it.  The hours between 4:30pm -7pm are the worst when you are single.
And you never want to make anything too time consuming because of the cooking for one factor.

On the astrological side of things,  Uranus just moved into Aries and will be there for the next 8 years roughly.  This means a lot of truths will surface that were hidden for the last 7 years while Uranus had been in Pisces.

My readings and horoscopes and everything else, keeps saying this is the time to let anyone know I like them that I like them. Interesting, as there really isn't anyone other then my favourite wrestler and that's just been dealt with on the many other blogs I have had in the last 5 years.

p.s.  Daylight savings time tonight folks.

Day 42

Overcast with light blowing snow.

But I went out to return a few movies that mom had me rent for her earlier in the week. The Tyler Perry films. 
While I was out, I headed to the grocery, to pick up a few things, and once again try to talk to the uber cute produce stock boy.   Only, the place was jammed today and I couldn't get anywhere near him.  He did stare a bit and smile that shy smile of his.  Which he does all the time.

Then headed to mom's where I had some more of that peach wine before coming back home.  I was suppose to get together for coffee with my buddy M.  but he never phoned.  I suppose that's a good thing, as I was suppose to get together with him IF his date went bad.  Poor guy, he's been trying to get this girl he's known forever to go on a date, and she finally agreed.  So I guess not hearing from him is a good thing for him.

Day 24

Wishcasting Wednesday -Feb 16th

It's Wednesday, and over on Jamie Ridler Studios,  the question this week is  "What aspect of your personality to you wish to express more of?"

That's a loaded question this week. No doubt, totally loaded.

If you've been reading my blogs for awhile, you know I am trying to make a clean break from the emotional crap in my life, that has been controlling me for the last few years. 
One of my biggest self barrier seems to be is that I have never really felt desirable, and my love life has been disappointing and disrespectful more so then not.
I've also been working the Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford for the past year.

So I guess my long winded answer this week is that I wish to express more of the feminine/sensual side of myself. AND to BELIEVE it.  Not just go through the motions. To believe and feel that I can manifest a honest and respectful love.

Photo Finish

I decided that I wanted to do a new photo to use on the internet as my signature, as the one I use now is a year old.
So, I did my make-up, got into this sexy little number and took some photos. 

I don't know how other women do it.  I see models and actresses doing these photo shoots all the time, and they don't look at all uncomfortable.  Me, I looked like a beached whale in the good shots and a drag queen in the bad shots.  Or maybe it was the other way around... either way, I felt ridiculous.

You see the average woman doing these tarty shots all over the internet on a daily basis, and none of them look like they are feeling the embarrassment of it all.  
I took close to 30 shots, deleted over half of them, and in the end found two that I wasn't totally horrified by. 

I turned one into a photo thingie for Valentine's Day.  Which, I'm debating on if I will post or not. It was a comical shot.  But I am in my very pink bra. So, you know...

I don't know.  Part of the reason I did this was because I've been feeling like I need to feel... sexy. I know that I don't feel attractive, or sensual, or even human.  And I also know that unless I start to feel confident with myself, I'm not going to attract a guy. 
It's this confidence and self sexiness that I'm having the utter most disbelief in. 

I read the book He's Just Not That Into You  this afternoon  and came away from it feeling like I should just not be alive.  I know the book is suppose to make you feel powerful, but it just made me feel like crap.

I have to remind myself, the book was written from the practical side of things and not a spiritual one. But even that today isn't making me feel any better.

Day 20

Low energy day.
Just reading and avoiding people.

Not much to say.  Made another bread pudding last night for supper.

Feeling the weight of the fact we are two days away from Valentines and once again I am alone.

Taking a moment Killing time

Just finished another round of emails, and a blog post on my other site. Staring at a screen capture of one of my favourite wrestlers, and thinking.  Thinking about something I read about him online and was thrown back to a conversation I've had so many times over the years about so many different men.
That they are never the man we think they are. 

Or more likely, never the man we wish that they were.

We put a lot of pressure on the men in our lives.  No matter if they are our mates, our relatives, our friends or just our favourite celebrity,  we pile all this hope on them and then when they can not live up to our romanticized version we blame them when we should be rethinking our own self.

I've talked on here before about my novel  a little and how it's giving me heartburn as of late. 
I think part of that is that I lost the love I had for the man who was my main character base.  The guy that I physically modeled my lead after. 
I just don't love him anymore.

I find everything that he does now painful to hear and there is little respect left for him. Unfortunately that's translated over to my novel.  I've lost interest in my fictional version as well. 

Basically,  my lead character is not the man I thought he was. And like the real man he's modeled after, I have no idea how to deal with that realization.

Day 3

Sex and the City.

I am a self proclaimed SATC junkie. 
I have the full series on dvd plus the two movies. I have the books as well. 

On my other blogs, I was doing{am still randomly} a series of posts called "What Would Carrie Do?" where I would talk about a relationship issue and then quote the show to make my points.
I decided few months back, to take that and make a full on single girl blog.  Clean Your Shorts: Cocktails, Lipstick Stains and Sex in MY City.

It does okay given it's not a daily or even weekly blog.  I just update it randomly when something relationship-ish happens to me or the people around me.

It's pink.  Sex and the City pink.